Fireflies in a Jar
Agency above all else
As a creative I never really know when or where my next gig will arrive and as a result, I’m constantly doing this dance between hunting for the perfect gig, and giving myself permission to be who I am, and wait for the opportunities that always arise.
It’s this thing that I continually do–another full spiral in my life.
As an artist, I chose this life of uncertainty, and it's tough, but I wouldn’t trade it for a “job” in the world of Capitalism. I never fit there. I never thrived there. I never “succeeded”.
And mostly–I'm good with that.
I really am.
But it’s not an easy path to walk.
As I was meditating this morning, an image of a jar came to me. A jar filled with fireflies, right at my center. It felt radiant, joyous, and free.
Then an image came to me from my childhood. Catching fireflies in a jar one summer evening with my cousins. My little nose pressed against the jar–reveling in the ability to watch their lights up close. I believed that capturing them in that jar meant I could enjoy them forever. Over and over again. Every night.
I felt a kinship to those fireflies. I wanted to BE them.
Oh the innocence, the naivete.
To my horror the following morning all of them lay lifeless at the bottom of the jar. Not only unable to light up, but extinguished forever.
And I had been the one to extinguish them.
Today I realized that this is how I sometimes treat myself in my life as a creative.
Except now, as a grown up it’s about seeking work, bullying myself into “producing”, assuming there’s something very wrong with me. “Stacy, why can’t you just get a job? Why can’t you just fit in?”
Then a light went on. Ding!
The fireflies in that jar needed agency. They needed space and oxygen. And they needed to be free.
My creative process is a firefly, and it’s counterproductive to try and cram myself into a jar and expect to thrive.
And I discovered something else too.
It’s okay to try and capture our essence and take a good close look at it.
But after a short while, it’s time to open up the jar and let go.
Lovely! Again! Thank you for the trip down memory lane and reminding me about the magic of Nature, who remains constant regardless of how homo sapiens are behaving! Kate
Good Morning Stacy...and thank you for the firefly story. I too remember a time of innocence and capturing fireflies in a jar. I also remember a time at Bear Camp when the meadow was ablaze with fireflies, and I stood there in awe. I am grateful for your firefly spirit.